Posts tagged friends

Refiled my garnishment against my ex, bought Christian a skate tool, paid some bills, did some shopping. 

The court stuff was less annoying than I anticipated…although I’m a little anxious because I had to write my address & phone number on the paperwork that’s going to be served to him..last time he got served, he used that information to get a hold of me…and well…it’s annoying. He’s not a bad person, he’s just in the past & I would like to get this over with so he can stay there. Last time he got served, it only took him 2 days to get a hold of me. (I’m assuming the very *day* he got the papers). I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. =/

I tossed & turned the very idea of even refiling….I mean, the guy has a kid now, and I am fully aware of how bad he is with his finances…we all have problems…I had some medical problems both recently & also a few months ago that caused not only financial problems, but kinda caused me to lash out at people also…I’m restablizing & trying to do the things that make sense & do what’s best for not only myself, but everyone…and I can’t help thinking that one day his kid will look at me and say “She’s the reason Dad couldn’t feed our family”.. when that kid could have easily been mine..if I would’ve stuck to the plans… I had the dress, I had the church, I had everything & Kid, if your dad would have just quit with the lies & been honest with me, you wouldn’t even exist… why am I talking to a hypothetical kid? OMGGGGGGGG. I *am* crazy. =/ I guess the bullet-point of this presentation is that I have a lot of guilt from this…& I haven’t really talked to anyone about it because I have this tendency to sway the other direction when people try to talk to me about what’s uncomfortable… people at work were “gently” asking about my miscarriage, which I had tried to keep quiet due to the fact that I wasn’t expecting the baby to survive based on my past experiences…but if you tell one person, the information is at risk to go out to everyone. I politely pushed away from confrontation. I’m ridiculously good at it…I think that’s because sad things, or happy things, in any form…make me cry these days…so it’s better to just avoid them altogether. 

On a lighter note, it’s March…and I’ve spent the entire week sleeping with the windows open =) It’s an amazing feeling & will probably never happen again. What happened to “in like a lion?” =P

In it, I had agreed to marry an  old friend of mine, although I’m not sure why. This friend, was, at the same time, marrying another female as well. (He’s been known to have trouble with monogamy) So we had a double wedding. About 15 minutes after the ceremony…someone in the wedding party mentioned a person I had feelings for IRL…and my heart sank. I realized I had made a mistake marrying this friend. I immediately consulted my mother, who of course, told me that I should have put more thought into this marriage if I had no intentions of following through. In the end, she told me it was my life and if I felt that’s what I needed to do, then to do it. I told her it wouldn’t be a problem…that “friend” and I were cool and he wouldn’t mind. It was a casual marriage, and neither of us, to my knowledge, were serious about it. When I confronted “friend” about my wanting a divorce so that I could pursue other interests, he flew into a fit of rage, stating that I was his wife & he essentially owned me. I ran as fast as I could, with him & his posse’ in close pursuit. In my escape, I became injured and my clothes were torn. I finally made it to the court house and was so out of breathe I couldn’t speak. The judge took one look at me. His mouth never opened, but with his mind, he said “Who has done this to you?” and he pulled out a stack of photos…all of people I knew. He slowly flipped through. When he came across a photo of “friend”, I pointed to it. The judge nodded.

I woke up. 

and that’s okay…..because I still love you…

You won’t even know this post is about you…

but you’ll read it, wonder, & hope. 

And I want you to know that you’re right.

-Teresa

We’re not friends. We never were friends.

And to be honest…

We probably never will be.

I always kinda thought friends were loyal.

Maybe no one ever taught you that there was a difference between loyalty & vindictiveness.

How sick.. to feel pleasure from another person’s misery..

But that’s how you drink it, don’t you?

You take your poison, and you swallow it up.

Devious, yet fragile in your own mind.

You find yourself as both the swallow, and also as the lion..

but you, yourself, can never tell which it is.. at any time.

I will pray for you, my “friend.”…

Pray that the shadows no longer consume your soul..

and that your mind is opened up to all that is good & right.

I will pray for you…

and that someday, I will have the strength to love you like I love the others.

-Teresa N. Randolph

I feel like you’re talking about me because you think I’m talking about you. If I didn’t like you, you’d know. I’d tell you. So stop.

When it was just me and her

laying in bed..knowing she’s asleep…watching the neon-blue clock flicker against the wall.

I miss the smell of her sheets & getting tangled in the phone chargers, and waking up to the sunlight peeking through the windows.

I miss those days.